The role of motherhood is both rewarding and triggering. Who knew my whole world would be unveiled regardless of my readiness?

Who knew all the things motherhood would unearth about the woman that I am and the child that I was? Even when I’m supposed to be talking and being and doing, I find myself craving silence. 

The empty spaces and absence of talking both feeds and restores me all at the same time. 

Motherhood has given a new value to my words.

I use my words to shape. To encourage. To teach. To correct. To connect. 

I choose my words more wisely now because I fully understand their weight. They’re as valuable and heavy as bars of gold; they ought not to be wasted.

I’m working to understand the pressure I feel. Sometimes I resent it, and other times, I lean into it. 

In some moments, I have to sit with the internal pressure I feel to perform well as a mother. To get things right. To work through the problems and find the resolutions. To be productive, rise to the occasion, carry the weight(s); all while looking “flawless”. To know and to be. At all times. As unrealistic as this standard is, the pressure still exists. I’m learning to let go of the external pressure. The expectations “they” have. Both the important people and those who I could care less about. I’m filtering all the  “you-should-be-doings” and all the “you didn’t ask me but here are my thoughts and advice on _____”. All the pressures I didn’t ask for, but still somehow got heaped upon me.

Sometimes I run in the opposite direction of what tradition says is “right”. I have to stop and ask myself “Why am I fighting to be right? Who put this on me?”I wouldn’t trade this experience. But, on some days, in some moments, I desire a less complicated and more free life. But what does “less complicated” and “more free” really mean??

I’m living. Evolving. Editing. Growing. My daughter just happens to be the catalyst.

Does my failure to meet other’s expectations and fit a certain mold make me a bad mom? 

Does my own experience through trial and error make me a bad mom?

The answer, nope. Not then, not now, not ever. Motherhood is not a performance.Motherhood is not a series of acts to gain outside applause and approval.

Motherhood is about evolution and edits that occur daily. Motherhood is a rose garden that also has thorns. Motherhood isn’t cookie-cutter. Motherhood is dynamic. Motherhood is a personal experience. My motherhood journey is MINE, not yours. ...This is my truth.